Dear Valued Customer of The White Lotus

We apologize for the recent murders...

Dear Valued Customer,

Thank you for your loyalty to The White Lotus brand of hotels. We wanted to reach out about some incidents at our properties and reassure you that we remain committed to your safety and relaxation.

A few years ago at our Hawaii property, the hotel manager was stabbed by a guest in the guest’s hotel suite, and another employee was arrested for burglary. We support the right for our guests to stand their ground on American properties, and regret the trauma the incident caused our customers. We are happy to report that we have changed our hiring practices, and no employees have been involved in any of the other incidents at our sister properties.

Last year at our Sicily resort, one of our guest’s bodies washed ashore onto our beach. While we send our thoughts and prayers to her loved ones, we would like to point out that she was not killed on a White Lotus property, and we cannot control the contents of the ocean. While regrettable, this was really more of an unfortunate coincidence. A boat full of impeccably dressed men was killed nearby, and her death was likely related. (None of those men were guests at our resort.) We have since erected nets around our beach to prevent such occurrences in the future, and are happy to report that all we have caught is sea life. Not one additional human body. We are proud of the success of this new mitigating measure.

Most recently, you may have heard there was a quintuple homicide at our Thailand property. I’m sure this was alarming news to our loyal guests. The owner of that establishment was killed, and while we are devastated by his loss, the incident seems to have been part of a larger family dispute that also resulted in the deaths of two guests. The other victims were two security guards, but they were personally employed by the owner and not the resort so The White Lotus hiring practices were not to blame. We can assure you that we have increased security at all of our properties, and the guests at the resort at the time of the shooting seem to have forgotten all about the shootout by the time they took the boat ride back to the mainland. Such is the power of the rich suite of relaxation services offered at The White Lotus.

We urge our valued guests to focus on the fact that most of our properties have never had any homicidal incidents. We remain the top luxury brand in the world for a reason: We provide unparalleled luxury experiences for our guests, and the majority of them survive it.

To demonstrate our commitment to the guest experience and to apologize for these isolated incidents, receive 5 percent discount on your next booking with code “nama-stay.”

Yours in Relaxation,

Timmis Mahoney, Director of Global Hospitality, The White Lotus resorts